


Save me

by IcyReverse



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (title use to be catch me), Fluff and Angst, Help, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sadstuck, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, my poor bbys, slight eating disorder, so very cliche, triggering, what even is writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-25 13:38:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/953734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcyReverse/pseuds/IcyReverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dave and John accidentally kiss John freaks outs and runs out on Dave. Dave's anxieties that John will never want to talk to him again make him turn to a blade for comfort and later decides to avoid his best friend in fear of rejection. When the thoughts in Dave's head get darker will John be able to save him before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before you begin to read I'd like to say that this is my first fanfiction ever. And also that if you find an error don't be afraid to tell me in a review or message me. I hope you enjoy the story =^.^=  
> P.S there will be more character and additional tags added.

Be John ==>

That so did not just happen, there is no way your best bro just kissed you in your house. Nope, you are totally dreaming you must be, there is no logical reason that Dave would do that...right?  Right now you are currently panting for air in the center the local park. In all honesty it was probably a bad idea to freak out and run out of your house, you were just so shocked though!  Okay, yeah maybe you did have a tiny -huge as fuck- crush on him but you never expected him to reciprocate the feelings. God Damn, you're still so flustered you can barely think. When you finally catch your breath and can think straight, the first thing that pops into your head is Dave.

Dave, you just left him sitting there alone in your house after he just put his fucking heart on the line. You probably just broke his heart (along with yours) because you suck at processing shit. You are probably the stupidest person on this god forsaken earth. You're also a huge jack ass now too. Shit, how are you going to explain to Dave why you ran. _**Way to go john, now this situation is going to be hard as fuck to fix.**_ You head home after a minute or two of thinking, hoping that Dave's still at your house.

When you got back you made an unsurprising find that Dave had left your house. "Crap." You murmur as you run a tan hand through your black hair. You walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water for your parched throat, all that exercise made you quite tired. You put the cup under the water and watch as the water shot down into the cup, make millions of rising bubbles and then eventually the water filled the cup up.  As you begin to drink you remember your walk back to your house. You were thinking about how you were going to deal with this, maybe you could talk to Dave on pesterchum. You go upstairs to your room and log in, but Dave seems to be on idle. Before you can think about what to do a lavender colored text appears on your screen.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist  [EB] at 18:15 --

TT: Hello John.

EB: hi rose!

TT: I was just about to take a walk to Kanaya's house when I saw a brown haired boy with glasses running at full speed in the direction of the park...

TT: Could that have been you John?

EB: oh uh, yea that was me...

TT: Okay, and why would that be?

EB: ummm

EB: no reason, i just forgot i had to get home early.

TT:, I see.

EB: sooo yea.

TT: John.

EB: yeah?

TT: You're a horrible liar.

EB: bluh!

TT: So how about the truth now?

EB: fine.

EB: so it was a regular friday night, dave and i were playing video games and munching doritos. After a little while me and dave decide to get pizza, and then my dad said he would pick it up. About 15 minutes after he left me and dave got into a wrestling match and i won, i guess i kind of got too close to him because it was almost like i was in a daze...

EB: and then we just kind of...kissed. I started freaking out half way through it though and broke it off and ran out of the house and didn't stop running until i couldn't breathe which landed me in the park. I think i pushed dave away from me too hard. When i got back home he was gone.

TT: I see, did you try going to his house?

EB: no, i wasn't sure if he was mad at me or not and i wanted to give him so space.

TT: What about pestering him?

EB: i was going to but he's on idle right now :(

TT: I'll see if he'll talk to me. I will give you an update later.

EB: okay, bye rose.

TT: Goodnight John.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:41 --

  
You log off of pesterchum with a sigh and decide to finish up the math homework that's already two days late. The night drones on and your find that your mind always drifts towards the thought of Dave.

Be Dave ==>

You're sure you fucked up everything now, you always do and John is no exception. In fact, you're surprised you still have friends that care about you at all! No, you decide, they don't actually care about you. They probably pity you, or maybe they just find messing with you fun. You don't know which (maybe both). It's all just an act, even Bro, you're sure that he'd have it way easier without you. Everyone would be. All you are is a burden. They'd all be better off without you.

When you open up the door to the apartment you find that you're all alone. It doesn't bother you that Bro is gone so much, you actually prefer to be alone. As soon as you walk through the door you head for the bathroom to grab a towel and some bandages. Racing into your room you go straight to your dresser and open up the middle drawer, after searching in your drawer for a minute or two you finally find what you're looking for. You pull out a small switch-blade; you had just recently sharpened it so it should have a nice cut to it. You sit down criss-cross on the floor, laying the clean white towel in your lap. You place your left arm on the towel and begin to slice your way up your arm.

The first cut you made was small and shallow, it barely even bled. You watch as the crimson pearls seep out of the wounds in your arm.  As you ascend up your arm with the blade you experiment with the depth and width of the cuts. The higher you cut the deeper you make the gashes and the bloodier the lacerations become. When you're done with your left arm you move to you right. When you finally decide that you've done enough cutting for the night it's already dark out, you try to stand up but find yourself to lightheaded from the loss of blood. After resting for a little while longer you reach for the gauze and disinfectant to begin the clean up process. You hear you pesterchum account alerting you that you have a new message, but you don't feel like talking to anyone right now.

Three months; that's how long you went without cutting. You’ve doing alright up until you went and made a dumb ass out of yourself by kissing your best bro who is obviously STRAIGHT.  As you lie in bed later that night you begin to make a plan to avoid John. You know that sooner or later you'll have to face John and rejection. You decide to it later, way later.  you know that you'll have to face him eventually as well as facing rejection. For now though, you'll just try to avoid him and if you have to, ignore him. You don't get much sleep; you're too busy acting out everything that could possibly go wrong within the next month. Every time you shifted in your sheets you winced at the pain that shoots up your arms. You don't really mind the pain though, it’s a great reminder about how dumb you are and that you should just crawl into a hole and drop dead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave avoids john in school and sadness ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry this took so long to update, life really just got ahead of me D: Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter (sorry if it's a bit out of character). Comments and reviews are always welcomed =^.^=

Be Dave ==>  
Right now you are sitting through english class, and it's so boring. It's also really hot today and you're wearing a hoodie. Fucking great, because it's not like you can just take it off unless you want everyone to see how fucked up and disgusting you are. You're, trying to listen to the teacher's lecture, but your mind is running to fast for to focus and you just feel so overwhelmed. Your mind starts drift...

Now that you look back on it you've never had much to live for, but now that John practically hates your guts it's official, you have nothing to live for, no one to keep you here. You just don't know what to do anymore! You're tired, of everything and you're sick of lying to yourself and everyone around you.  
The bell rings to release you from third period and you scramble to get to your next class. You're halfway to fourth period when you remember that you share this class with John. You're just going to skip class and head home where you can-

"Dave!"

Shit! 

"Dave I need to talk to you!" John shouts through the noisy hall.

Nononononono! This can't be happening! At least not here, anywhere but here.

You flash step your skinny white ass in the direction of a door that leads you the fuck away from here. You sprint the whole five blocks to the apartment complex that you call home. You collapse onto the couch once you're home, platinum blond hair sticking to your porcelain forehead. Bro wasn't home (thank god). Sometimes you're glad he's not always there, while other times you miss him -you'll never admit it though-. The only time you even get to see your Bro was when you guys have a strife and that was really just you getting your ass served back to you on a goddamn plate. You put a pillow over your face and wonder if you could just suffocate yourself with it. With a great sigh you decide that you wouldn't want the first thing your Bro to find when he arrived home was you....er your dead body were he sleeps, it would probably make him pissed because, how rude is that. You stumble to your forgotten backpack to pull out your homework, but then decide that your homework could go fuck itself and turn on the tv to watch Power Rangers instead, that shit is so ironic.

  
You didn't realize you had fallen asleep until you hear a loud knock at the door. You fix your shades that had fallen askew and then go to the door to answer it.  
Rose walks in before you can even giver her a simple hello. She walks straight to the couch where you just were and gestures for you to join her.  
"Oh hello Rose, please come in, have seat on my couch." You sneer.

"Hello David-"

"For fuck sakes don't call me that." you chide.

"As always it's a pleasure to talk to you." she continues. "Now, let's get down to business." Rose states calmly.

"What the hell are you talkin 'bout Lalonde?" you ask.

"John."

"Hell fucking no. I am not letting you crawl around inside my brain just so you can play therapist." you snarl.

"Dave, it has been days since you've talked to anyone, you need to communicate your issues to someone. Now, first off we have to talk about what happened with John."

"You know? How!"

"John told me."

"Of course the little shit stain did." you grumble.

"Dave, tell me everything."

 

==> Be John  
"Dave I need to talk to you!", you shout at light blond hair and aviators. You begin to walk towards him at a faster pace, but in the blink of an eye he was gone. Where did he go? You're sure the disappointment you feel is clearly on your face as you walked to your last class of the day. Once you stepped into the room your suspicions were correct, Dave skipped class to avoid you. You feel your heart drop. You quickly take a place in the back of the class so that you can be alone with your thoughts.

The bell rings to mark the end of the school day. you trudge your way through the rushing crowd and get on your bus. As the bus goes from stop to stop you can't help but to let your mind wander. **_Why would he avoid me, we're still best friends aren't we? Maybe he's still freaking out that we kissed._** The thought shot a pang of hurt through your heart. You really hope that he is isn't going to stop being your friend. You take a deep breathe to calm yourself, because right now you are overreacting and upsetting yourself.

The bus' brake squeal to a halt at your stop. You get off and begin to walk the short distance to your house, but find yourself at a standstill. You look to the street opposite of your house. Walk down that street take one left, two rights and you'd be standing in front of the building that Dave lives in. For a moment you contemplate whether you should try to talk to him at his place. Then again, maybe it would be better not to disturb him while he is still absconding every time he sees you. Shrugging, you turn, beginning to walk the usual route home.

You've only just taken off your shoes when your dad comes in, "Welcome home son, you've seemed a bit down lately so I made a cake to cheer you up." he gives you a fatherly grin. Ah shit he knows you hate that shit, but you don't want to hurt his feelings either.  
"Thanks dad, I can't wait to have a piece of it!" you say with the best, forced smile you can make.  
Your dad walked to the dining room. And set the cake down in the center of the table, "I'll just put it on the table for later then. Oh and John, I heard you got an A on your biology test. Good job son I am so proud of you."  
You must admit, when your father told you that he was proud of you, it made you feel a hint better than before. While walking up stairs you here a ping coming from your computer. You race up the rest of the stairs and you plop your ass into the office chair. You open up pesterchum to find that Jade is messaging you.

\-- gardenGnostic[GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:09 --

GG: hi john! :D

GG: john????

GG: jooooohn

EB: hi jade!

GG: oh there you are! i just wanted to see how's it going with dave?

EB: what, how did you know!?

GG: um john it's pretty obvious how you feel about him just by the way you look at him.

GG: but recently you two won't even stand next to each other :T

EB: oh

GG: i think that rose knows what is going on but when i ask her she says that she doesn't know but that is total bullshit!

EB: woah jade, calm down i'll tell you, but promise you won't tell any one?

GG: i promise

EB: even rose and dave?

GG: yes john i said i promise now tell meeeee

EB: i kissed dave, but then i freaked out, pushed him off of me and ran out of the house...

GG: oh my god! john!!! :o

EB: i know, i know he must hate me now.

GG: i highly doubt that he hates you john.

EB: and how would you know?

GG: ;)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:33 --

EB: no, wait jade!

EB: goddammit!

You lean back in the chair, and try to rub the tiredness from your eyes. "well what the fuck do I do now?" you grumble.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am also working on another story, I think its going to be a long one shot or a short fanfic (i'm not really sure though at this moment. In the story Dave is schizophrenic, but he is the only one who knows. I have to do lots of research for that story so I'm not sure when I will post it.

Be Dave ==>  
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEE-

That’s usually the first thing you hear when it’s time to get out of bed, and today was no different. You slam your hand down onto the snooze button to silence the alarm. Pulling the covers off of your body, you stand up and  greeted by the freezing cold floor. You grab your shades and some clothes for the day. You shuffle into the bathroom and stand in front of the huge mirror hanging on the wall next to the door.

 ** _I wonder if I'm just not good looking enough for John. Is it my stupid freckles?_** You lean towards the mirror to get a better look at them. They were fairly light but still obviously there.  ** _Maybe it’s my pathetic body. I mean I know I'm not chubby, but I'm not muscular like Bro either. I’m just lanky ass Dave._**  As you lift your shirt up to see if you had suddenly grown a six-pack, you see that when you hunched over a bit that you have what looked like at least 2 rolls on your stomach! Scowling you take your shirt off to get a better look at some more of the flaws that you have. _**Who could love a freak like**_ **me?**  You probably need to stop eating so much. Well, it’s not like you had been eating much to begin with. You don't exactly feel like you deserve to eat anything anyway, nor do you even feel the need. Your eyes follow the scars down both arms, and the rest of your torso. Scars are quite ugly things, some white and faded, others purple and new, and of course the brand new wounds that are just starting to scab over. Every time you move the newer cuts remind you of what you did, and why. They're all over your body, from the end of your shoulders all the way to the beginning of your knees. It’s been about a day since the last time you've held a blade to your skin; with luck you might be able to stop for a few days. But then you remember, since when did you have good luck? You undress, pick up your new clothes, put them on, and give yourself one last look in the mirror before putting your shades on, and walk out of the room with a small sigh.

As you walk down the hallway you realize that your stomach feels empty, you imagine it would since you haven't eaten anything since the small bag of Doritos you had for breakfast yesterday morning. You look to your right at the kitchen and shudder slightly. Just the thought of eating right now makes you feel disgusting. So, instead of grabbing food when you walk into the kitchen, you just take a bottle of water and take a small swig of it to quench your empty stomach.  
As you’re grabbing your book bag to head out for school you hear a gravelly voice behind you say, “You know little man it makes it a shit ton easier to beat your fragile ass in a strife when you don’t eat. I bought food for a reason, it’s not just supposed to sit there and look pretty. Not its purpose Dave.”

Fuck. You thought he wasn't here, or was at least asleep. So that means that he’s probably thinks that it’s really strange how you're not really eating. You throw out a simple lie that will hopefully distract him enough so that you can get out the door. “I'm not hungry ‘cause I ate a fuck ton of food while you were out of the house last night, not my problem if your never here when I eat.” It was obviously a lie, and you both knew it, but you also knew he would wince at the meaning.

Before Bro had time to answer you rushed out the door and into the elevator. You had escaped talking to him, for now at least, but you know that as soon as he gets a chance he’s going to whoop your ass in a fight. The elevator dings that you're on the first floor. The doors open and you begin to make the walk to school.

When you arrive to school you don’t bother talking to anyone, you just walk to your locker and then to your class. You're literally silent the whole time you're at school. As a result of that you receive a referral or two for not responding to your teachers when they called on you during class. You spent lunch in the boys’ bathroom just sitting against a wall and listening to music. Your friends are all pissed at you, you're sure of it. Some of them even glared at you as you walked past them in the halls or didn't speak to them in class. You don't see John at all today, which makes you feel relieved, but also disappointed. You know that he is most likely telling everyone about how much of a horrible person you are and that you are such a faggot. It’s all true though, so what he’s saying can’t be misplaced as a rumor. You guess it’s just time to face the world on your own. The real thing on your mind though, is how long you'll be able to stay strong and endure reality unaccompanied.

When the school day ends you're mentally worn-out, and when you get home you find no other than your Bro waiting for your arrival so that the of you can have one of your weekly strife’s. You drop your school bag by the front door and go to your room to grab your katana, and then head up to the roof.

You lay on the gravel, exhausted. Bruises from the fight begin to form all across your body. With the beating you took from Bro today you're probably going to have bruises for a good week or so. He seemed really out of focus today though, always bumping into you, one time he almost tripped. You can't help but wonder what was up with him today. You shrug and just become indifferent about it, Bro is always weird like that. Your sword lay a couple feet away from you. Sighing you look at your katana, wondering how the blade would feel cutting into your pale skin. You shake your head trying to get the thoughts out of your head. No, you can’t. You've already given into those type of thoughts three times this week, and its only Thursday. You sit up, only to drop your head in agony. Whats the point of getting up and holding your head high like a Strider if you're just a failure as one?

With a grunt you stand up; retrieve your katana from its place on the ground and slowly trudge across the roof, down the stairs, and into your room.  ** _Why do they all hate me so much? Was it something I did? Have I said something wrong?_** You frown, but only a little bit. As you scroll through memories of you with your Bro, and with your friends you realized that it must have been a pain to put up with you and you're shit. You're nothing more than excess baggage for them to drag around. Well, they're bound to get tired one day, most likely sooner than later. You reach the door to your bedroom; open it, and just let go of your sword, letting it tumble till it reached the wooden floor where it crashes with with a metallic clang . You lay back down on the bed and just stare blankly, silently at the white ceiling. It is then that you finally and completely realize what you have to do. Kill yourself, its as easy and simple as that, and now you won't be be doing just for yourself but for the benefit of the people you care about as well. You don't know when, soon for sure. You also don't know how, but you'll figure it out. That day is not today, but you have a feeling that soon you won't be breathing any more. Yes, its undoubtedly clear that this is what you are meant to do.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are going to kill yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay chapter three!! ^u^ If there are any errors don't hesitate to tell me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well I got chapter four out. What's gonna happen next? I don't know I haven't finished writing the chapter. This chapter seems kind of short...yea sorry bout that.

==> Be John

You're really concerned about Dave. Even more so than before. You hardly see him in school, not even in the hallways. You are so stressed out you can hardly breathe. **_Why did I have to push him off me? Why did I have to fucking run?!_  ** You know you need to fix this and set things straight bout how can you even he is avoiding you. You've stopped talking to your friends, you don't want any of them involved. Lately you've been having a bad feeling about Dave and it's only getting worse. You finally decide you have to do something about it. Today. This needs to end you want Dave back, even if you guys are just friends. You make a plan to go to his house after school and confront him. You feel quite anxious about this but you know you can't back down. Two hours later the final bell rang. School's over.

==> Be Dave

 ** _Why does everyone hate me, did I do something wrong?_**  The feeling of tears from your eyes starting to form. You blink them away because Striders don't cry, ever. You wonder if you are doing the right thing by killing yourself. You laugh at that because you know that there is no use for second guessing. You don't want to be here anymore, the world is to cruel and merciless and hellish for someone like you. You just being a fucked up, a stupid teen, and a burden to everyone. We all are eventually going to die eventually, so dying a little earlier than everyone else is okay.

Right now you are sitting on your bed, just staring at you white ceiling. You feel so numb. So detached from reality. When you close your eyes all you see is dark, a relief from reality where you can think about everything and everyone. It must have been at least five minutes before you open your eyes, it seemed like hours though. You feel overwhelmingly depressed today, and you relies that this is it. You are ready to die.  Now all you need to do is make a plan.

Fuck, this is harder than you thought it would be. "So many ways to die. I'd pick them all, die a painful death. I certainly deserve it." You mumble.

Right now you're sitting on the bathroom floor. You feel so tired, like you could sleep for a million years. Like you could go to sleep and never wake up. Ha, you wish that was possible. You place your hands on the cold tile floor. The difference in temperature sends a jolt of pain through your hands, making you slightly more alive. Your head hangs low in defeat, aviators slightly fallen.  

Your mind is racing through what seems like a million thoughts. Overdosing, to cliche, so would be cutting your wrists. Hanging? Stabbing? Electrocution? Drowning? Actually drowning sounds like a good idea. You need something to hold you downing so you can't pick your head up. What could you use? _ **Well first of I all need a rope. Then I need something heavy...i got it!**_ Textbooks. Those fuckers are heavy, and if you use all of them your sure it would work. Finally you could put them to good use. 

You wobble slightly as you push off of the floor and trudge to your room. When you enter your room you find your backpack sitting on your bed.  ** _How would John react when he heard the news_**? The thought makes you wonder. **_He'd probably smile, relieved that he didn't have to put up with me. I wonder if he would be sad? No, no stop getting your hopes up, Dave. John hates you remember, dumb ass?_** You rub the back of your neck and then grab your bag to retrieve your books.

 For a second you stop, wondering about how much Bro would have to pay for the damaged books. Fuck it, you're done. Done worrying about people who don't give two shits about you. Isn't that part of the reason you're doing this, duh? **_Jesus Christ on a bicycle, Strider, stop caring about stupid shit that doesn't even matter._**  You walk to the bathroom. You're carrying a rope and six textbooks. After you plug the drain and start the water you begin tying up all your books. When that's done you use the rest of the rope  and tie it around your neck. The rope feels quite scratchy around your neck as it irritates the skin. You keep tying. It takes a few more minutes before the tub is full. You put the books into the tub, kneeled over it and looked at the rippling water. Taking a deep breath -your final breath- you closed your eyed and plunge your head into the water. The water is lukewarm and feels good on your skin.

After what seems like forever your lungs begin to burn, your body aches for air. Panic rises from your throat as you try to gulp in air but only end swallowing water. It's hard to fight the anxiety, of course you expected this so your not afraid but that does seem to calm your body. Eventually your body calms and stops trying to fight.   You feel  light headed, body numb. As you start to slip away from your misery you hear a someone calling your name. it's muffled since you're under water but you still recognize who the voice belongs to. It's John, he's calling out your name, eventually the voice sounds like it's coming closer and your name turns from a soft question to a scream. You must be hallucinating because you know you know you're all alone in your apartment so you just ignore the noise. He says your name again but it sounds so far away, a million miles way. You eyelids were beginning to get heavy so you close your eyes once more. You can feel it. Feel death coming and you smile as you start to drift away.


	5. For anyone still subscribed to this story...

Soooo I've been thinking about this for awhile and i think im gonna start writing again soon. Summer is coming up and my writing has gotten better than what's currently in this story. I'll be editing this story until summer comes and if i can post a new chapter i will too but i will definitely be active as of june 3rd. Im gonna finish this story and then probably work on a fic for Shingeki no Kyojin next.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this story was written kinda funky I'll edit it when I get the time.


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